Pig Pen

I gave birth to Pig Pen from the Charlie Brown comics. Sure, I call him Linus, but that is due to his blanky. I want to call him Pig Pen because of what he does to his school uniforms.

I have no idea what he does to get his pants that dirty. He doesn't either.

"What on EARTH did you do today?"

"I don't know." Meanwhile his khaki's look like they have been to battle with a Filth Monster. Like he rolled around in the dumpster, and THEN rolled on the floor of the school bus. On a rainy day.

I once tried to identify the stains on his pants.

"Did Daddy pack Cheetos in your lunch? Is that what this is?"

"No."

"Did you fingerpaint today? This is purple."

"No."

I am very close to Scotchguarding his pants, just to see what would happen. I know from experience that the filth from bus floors simply does not wash out. It does not fade. It is a unique form of ick that does not simply go away in the Maytag. It is as pervasive as bribery or graft or the black market. Good luck getting rid of it!

Izod khakis are sturdy. They keep their crease. They don't tear easily. But somehow my middle child has managed to mangle his new pants the first few weeks of school.

I want a Pant-Cam. While I am sure it would give me the willies, I would like to see what my son's pants endure in just one day. Then I can say "oh!" and just apply some Shout and not be too disappointed when it fails to remove the stains.

Anything to explain what the heck is happening to these pants. Those poor pants. If only they could talk, right? The stories they could tell.